Like many teenagers and women of all ages, I have always had issues with my body image. Especially growing up. I’d always get made fun of for my breasts, because I blossomed earlier than most. I had no balance on my bottom half, which made me very self conscious about showing off cleavage. I wore baggy t-shirts throughout middle school to try and hide the girls. I refused to wear tank tops until my senior year of high school because of hyper-pigmentation (dark spots) on my left shoulder. I only started wearing them after I got a tattoo to cover my spots up. I also had horrible acne. I mean, horrible. And it wasn’t just on my face – I had it on my chest and back as well. I was often accused of being anorexic, though I was not. My metabolism was higher than most peoples, and as much as I tried to have what I deemed a “normal” body type, I never gained weight.
I got over the big boob thing eventually. Boys in high school always talked about them, but I learned to ignore them. They were just boobs, and certainly not anything to be ashamed of.
As a twenty-four year old, my acne is mostly under control, but I still have days (sometimes weeks!) where I breakout. I’m still self-conscious about acne from time to time, mostly because I spent most of my adolescence covering up pimples and hiding my face with my hair. I finally discovered the beauty of concealer and a good foundation. But more importantly, I finally figured out a good skincare routine (oily-skin types need moisturizers too! Who would have thought?)
In 2016, I got back on my antidepressant (Lexapro) for my panic disorder. I also got on a new birth control (Nexplanon). Seemingly overnight, I gained 30 pounds. I went from a comfortable 125 pounds at 5’4″ to close to 150 pounds. I had never gained this much weight all at once – stretch marks appeared in the worst places, and my self-esteem plummeted. My face looked more plump, my thighs juicier. I was happy that I the hips I’d developed looked more full, but that was about it.
At the time, I had no idea why this happened. I never had to worry about this before! I spent my whole life up until that point eating whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and never having to do any physical activity. I avoided sports because I am a clumsy person, and never found joy in them. Eventually, I figured out that I had suffered from a side effect of the Nexplanon, which was weight gain. I got the Nexplanon removed, but the weight stayed on.
After sulking and not knowing what to do about this for over half a year, I decided this: it wasn’t about the weight gain. My body was different, but just because I had gained weight, didn’t mean I was unhealthy. I was unhealthy because of my lifestyle: eating whatever, and not doing an ounce of physical activity!
So, I started going to the gym, but I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Eventually did my research, and knew what to do, but actually going to the gym was hard for me. I didn’t have an accountability group, didn’t have a consistent gym partner, and was so busy with obtaining my Bachelor’s Degree, that I fell short on my goals.
Worse than that, I had no idea how to get the nutrition I needed for weight loss. I tried the Keto diet, but that just wasn’t for me. I need some form of carbs occasionally! Counting calories wasn’t going to cut it – I still ate poorly at least once a day, so I never saw the results. I maybe lost 5 pounds with my occasional gym trips, walking, and counting calories. But I still didn’t feel great mentally or physically. I had to do something else.
This isn’t where I tell you there is a magical cure. Staying healthy when there are so many unhealthy options out there is hard. Finding out what works for YOU is hard. I have friends who love going to the gym, and who can’t workout from home. I have friends, like me, who prefer to work out from home. I have friends who thrive on Keto, who thrive doing Weight Watchers. I have friends who make their own diets/meal plans, and that’s great!
I found that I needed structure. I needed people to keep me accountable! I needed someone to tell me how to workout, how often to workout, and how to keep proper form. I needed someone to give me a guide to what I should have been eating to gain some weight, and then once I reached my goal, maintain that weight.
So, I started a program after watching a fellow military wife thrive in the same program. (This program is Beachbody – and I’m not trying to sell it to you. If you have questions about the program, please feel free to e-mail me!) This program had everything I wanted. I was excited!
This program works for me because it’s at home. I have not been as active with it now that I am 7 weeks out from giving birth, but I have stuck to doing 2-3 workouts a week (I used to workout 6 times a week!).
By being able to just come home after work and press play, I didn’t have excuses anymore. The program came with meal replacement shakes, as well as a nutrition guide. I joined other men and women in accountability groups, and showed up every day for them and myself! I thought that the adjustment of eating would be hard, but after about 2 weeks, it was habitual, and so was working out. After mt first 3 week program, I lost about 11 pounds. In the middle of my second, I had lost a total of 25 pounds.
BUT – it wasn’t about the weight. Yes, I loved looking in the mirror and seeing the difference. My thigh fat went down, and turned into muscle. My tummy became flatter. But I learned to love the parts of my body that grew more than the parts that shrunk. I loved how my biceps became toned! I loved seeing tiny ab muscles pop up. My calves popped, my booty lifted. It was wonderful looking into the mirror and seeing this healthy transformation.
Right after I hit my goal weight of 125 pounds, and was in the middle of a more intense program with Beachbody, I found out I was pregnant. I had to go a little lighter on the workouts, but kept with the nutrition program as best I could. And then the morning sickness kicked in, and I’d be lucky if I could keep down a slice of pineapple! I lost 15 more pounds just from being unable to eat.
I was 100 pounds in high school. And even though I was still heavier during the first trimester than I was in high school, I felt so skinny. I looked in the mirror at my deteriorating muscle tone, and felt so sad. I missed having the weight on! I missed my curves, my muscle, and looking and feeling strong. Months prior, I probably would have loved that I lost that weight.
Luckily, I’ve gained my weight back. My muscle is there, but not as defined. I cannot wait to have this baby, recover, and dive back into my nutrition and workout routine. It truly has become such a large part of my life, I could not imagine turning back to my old ways.
I learned that it isn’t about the weight. I was beautiful at 150 pounds and I was beautiful in high school at 100 pounds. Loving your body means feeling your best, and treating it how it deserves to be treated!
My weight may fluctuate, but damn I love my body. It became so strong, and it will be strong again very soon.
I may break out from time to time, but damn I love my body. Maybe I was a little stressed, maybe I need to chill and use a face mask.
There are days where I wake up and feel like a horrible mess, but damn I love my body! It’s just a feeling, and it will pass.
So, treat your body well. Know that if you sit around and do nothing, nothing will change. And if you don’t feel a need for a diet or workout change, I hope you’re still happy in your own skin. All bodies are beautiful. All bodies deserve to be loved. If you’re unhappy, I hope you find what works for you. Because I guarantee, you will find it if you don’t give up.
Bethany Thomas 