How I Learned to Love My Body

Like many teenagers and women of all ages, I have always had issues with my body image. Especially growing up. I’d always get made fun of for my breasts, because I blossomed earlier than most. I had no balance on my bottom half, which made me very self conscious about showing off cleavage. I wore baggy t-shirts throughout middle school to try and hide the girls. I refused to wear tank tops until my senior year of high school because of hyper-pigmentation (dark spots) on my left shoulder. I only started wearing them after I got a tattoo to cover my spots up. I also had horrible acne. I mean, horrible. And it wasn’t just on my face – I had it on my chest and back as well. I was often accused of being anorexic, though I was not. My metabolism was higher than most peoples, and as much as I tried to have what I deemed a “normal” body type, I never gained weight.

Me before weight gain – about 115

I got over the big boob thing eventually. Boys in high school always talked about them, but I learned to ignore them. They were just boobs, and certainly not anything to be ashamed of.

As a twenty-four year old, my acne is mostly under control, but I still have days (sometimes weeks!) where I breakout. I’m still self-conscious about acne from time to time, mostly because I spent most of my adolescence covering up pimples and hiding my face with my hair. I finally discovered the beauty of concealer and a good foundation. But more importantly, I finally figured out a good skincare routine (oily-skin types need moisturizers too! Who would have thought?)

In 2016, I got back on my antidepressant (Lexapro) for my panic disorder. I also got on a new birth control (Nexplanon). Seemingly overnight, I gained 30 pounds. I went from a comfortable 125 pounds at 5’4″ to close to 150 pounds. I had never gained this much weight all at once – stretch marks appeared in the worst places, and my self-esteem plummeted. My face looked more plump, my thighs juicier. I was happy that I the hips I’d developed looked more full, but that was about it.

At the time, I had no idea why this happened. I never had to worry about this before! I spent my whole life up until that point eating whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and never having to do any physical activity. I avoided sports because I am a clumsy person, and never found joy in them. Eventually, I figured out that I had suffered from a side effect of the Nexplanon, which was weight gain. I got the Nexplanon removed, but the weight stayed on.

After sulking and not knowing what to do about this for over half a year, I decided this: it wasn’t about the weight gain. My body was different, but just because I had gained weight, didn’t mean I was unhealthy. I was unhealthy because of my lifestyle: eating whatever, and not doing an ounce of physical activity!

After weight gain – about 150

So, I started going to the gym, but I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Eventually did my research, and knew what to do, but actually going to the gym was hard for me. I didn’t have an accountability group, didn’t have a consistent gym partner, and was so busy with obtaining my Bachelor’s Degree, that I fell short on my goals.

Worse than that, I had no idea how to get the nutrition I needed for weight loss. I tried the Keto diet, but that just wasn’t for me. I need some form of carbs occasionally! Counting calories wasn’t going to cut it – I still ate poorly at least once a day, so I never saw the results. I maybe lost 5 pounds with my occasional gym trips, walking, and counting calories. But I still didn’t feel great mentally or physically. I had to do something else.

This isn’t where I tell you there is a magical cure. Staying healthy when there are so many unhealthy options out there is hard. Finding out what works for YOU is hard. I have friends who love going to the gym, and who can’t workout from home. I have friends, like me, who prefer to work out from home. I have friends who thrive on Keto, who thrive doing Weight Watchers. I have friends who make their own diets/meal plans, and that’s great!

I found that I needed structure. I needed people to keep me accountable! I needed someone to tell me how to workout, how often to workout, and how to keep proper form. I needed someone to give me a guide to what I should have been eating to gain some weight, and then once I reached my goal, maintain that weight.

So, I started a program after watching a fellow military wife thrive in the same program. (This program is Beachbody – and I’m not trying to sell it to you. If you have questions about the program, please feel free to e-mail me!) This program had everything I wanted. I was excited!

This program works for me because it’s at home. I have not been as active with it now that I am 7 weeks out from giving birth, but I have stuck to doing 2-3 workouts a week (I used to workout 6 times a week!).

By being able to just come home after work and press play, I didn’t have excuses anymore. The program came with meal replacement shakes, as well as a nutrition guide. I joined other men and women in accountability groups, and showed up every day for them and myself! I thought that the adjustment of eating would be hard, but after about 2 weeks, it was habitual, and so was working out. After mt first 3 week program, I lost about 11 pounds. In the middle of my second, I had lost a total of 25 pounds.

BUT – it wasn’t about the weight. Yes, I loved looking in the mirror and seeing the difference. My thigh fat went down, and turned into muscle. My tummy became flatter. But I learned to love the parts of my body that grew more than the parts that shrunk. I loved how my biceps became toned! I loved seeing tiny ab muscles pop up. My calves popped, my booty lifted. It was wonderful looking into the mirror and seeing this healthy transformation.

Right after I hit my goal weight of 125 pounds, and was in the middle of a more intense program with Beachbody, I found out I was pregnant. I had to go a little lighter on the workouts, but kept with the nutrition program as best I could. And then the morning sickness kicked in, and I’d be lucky if I could keep down a slice of pineapple! I lost 15 more pounds just from being unable to eat.

Me about a month ago – 140 pounds and pregnant!

I was 100 pounds in high school. And even though I was still heavier during the first trimester than I was in high school, I felt so skinny. I looked in the mirror at my deteriorating muscle tone, and felt so sad. I missed having the weight on! I missed my curves, my muscle, and looking and feeling strong. Months prior, I probably would have loved that I lost that weight.

Luckily, I’ve gained my weight back. My muscle is there, but not as defined. I cannot wait to have this baby, recover, and dive back into my nutrition and workout routine. It truly has become such a large part of my life, I could not imagine turning back to my old ways.

I learned that it isn’t about the weight. I was beautiful at 150 pounds and I was beautiful in high school at 100 pounds. Loving your body means feeling your best, and treating it how it deserves to be treated!

My weight may fluctuate, but damn I love my body. It became so strong, and it will be strong again very soon.

I may break out from time to time, but damn I love my body. Maybe I was a little stressed, maybe I need to chill and use a face mask.

There are days where I wake up and feel like a horrible mess, but damn I love my body! It’s just a feeling, and it will pass.

So, treat your body well. Know that if you sit around and do nothing, nothing will change. And if you don’t feel a need for a diet or workout change, I hope you’re still happy in your own skin. All bodies are beautiful. All bodies deserve to be loved. If you’re unhappy, I hope you find what works for you. Because I guarantee, you will find it if you don’t give up.

The Day We Found Out

I am currently 33 weeks pregnant, and am just now sitting down to write this. I knew I needed to write about one of the best days of my life, even if I’m writing it a good 28 weeks later.

After a couple of months of trying to conceive, my husband was convinced I was pregnant. I’d gotten a negative in August, and wasn’t so convinced. I knew that for a lot of people, pregnancy doesn’t come that easy. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, especially after being on birth control for almost ten years.

I boarded a plane to Tampa, Florida, to visit my grandparents for a week. For the first time ever, I was actually anxious on my flight. I didn’t really know why – I usually enjoyed flying alone, and listening to music while miles and miles up in the sky. I’ve always found something peaceful in looking out the window and looking at how big the world is down below. So, I figured my anxiety was just acting up more than normal that day.

While at my grandparents, I felt slight cramping. My period wasn’t due for another week or so, so I knew it couldn’t be that. I figured I’d worked out too hard the day before. I told my husband this via text and he replied, “Yeah, because you’re probably pregnant.” Crazy husband, I thought. It would be way too soon to tell. I also wasn’t convinced I would be pregnant after the second month of trying.

Besides the slight cramping, I felt like my usual self while in Tampa. I was hungrier than usual, but seeing as I usually felt this way at my Grandparent’s (Grandma loves to make me her chocolate cake, and I am very happy that she does!), I thought nothing of it.

My anxiety was worse when I got on the plane back home. My fingers were clenched the entire ride, and I had to go to the bathroom to put some cold water on my face and neck. To make matters worse, when I got to the airport, my husband and I couldn’t figure out how to meet up with one another in the crazy airport traffic.

After we finally reunited and after brooding for a good ten minutes, my husband told me I needed to take a test as soon as we got home. No, I said. It was too soon to tell, and I didn’t want to get disappointed. But, as my husband does, he convinced me eventually.

So, as many women do, I went and peed on the magical stick after saying hello to the dogs and unloading my luggage.

I absolutely refused to look at the stick. I knew it was negative. I sat on the bed, and when the timer on my phone went off, I looked at my husband, on the verge of tears. So, he went and looked for me. A lot of people asked me when we announced that I was pregnant, how my husband reacted. I always laugh and tell them that HE had to tell ME. I almost started sobbing when my husband came out of the bathroom, acting glum. He loves to do this thing where he acts like he’s disappointed, and then he almost convinces me he’s being genuine, and then BOOM he gets all happy. So, he came out and said something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, baby….but we’RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON DIAPERS BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT!”

I started crying then, for sure. I still didn’t believe him, but he picked me up and started spinning me around.

I went into the bathroom and saw the faint line next to the dark line on the right. Later that night, I’d take like, two or three more tests because I was convinced the sticks were lying to me. It took my friend telling me, “Oh my god, you’re definitely pregnant, stop freaking out!” like a week later for calm down and start believing.

James, my husband, went outside at sunset and the sky was pink. From then on out, he firmly believed our baby would be a girl (and he would be right!). Growing up, I’d always wanted boys. But, when I got pregnant, I instantly wanted a girl. I was never as sure of the gender as James, but he is ecstatic to meet his little princess soon.

I told my two best friends right away. My husband called his uncle. I wanted to wait and tell my family until I got the pregnancy confirmed by the doctor, and told them a couple of weeks later. I have hard time keeping things from my parents!

We went to Publix the day after to get subs and some groceries. James told the people in line I was pregnant, and the people in the deli. A day or two later he shouted it to our neighbors with a huge grin on his face. I didn’t want to tell anyone yet, but let him have some fun. I think his excitement about being a Papa was one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

We’ve now got about 7 weeks left, and we are so excited with each passing day. I know things are going to change drastically for us (and our pets!), but we’re ready for this new adventure. We’ve loved our baby girl every second of every day since we found out, and we can’t wait to hold her.

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